6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.