“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
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I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
<- sleeps well with others
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I support this random dude and all his protests
gm
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.