In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
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trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
it be like that
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.