PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!