“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival