Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
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walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night