My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
You Might Also Like
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.