[shakes fist at other fist]
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Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?