Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be