[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
October already? What’s next? November????
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.