I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
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Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
the best thing i’ve ever made
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”