Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
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I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
hmm conte-me mais
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water