You Might Also Like
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*