Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
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Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Once again not all heroes wear capes
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
🚲+physics = winner
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.