Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”