[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
And they lived apathetically ever after.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.