I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
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Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Can. I. Help. You.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.