Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
You Might Also Like
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.