Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
lol
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.