True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager