COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
wow
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.