I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like