Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
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Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.