Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Monday
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“Wait, let me explain..”
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
the simulation is moving too fast
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.