YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
You Might Also Like
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day