Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
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Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Chicken bread
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
new shirt idea
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.