Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
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As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.