My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
#oldknees
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”