Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
You Might Also Like
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.