“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
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“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work