A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
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Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*