ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
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“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order