my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
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“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Me recordaron éste meme
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator