“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
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Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride