To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
When you’re Kinky but poor
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond