The check engine light came on inside my oven.
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.