Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.