“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I triple waxed for this?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
early stone age tool
fly smarter, not harder
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man