My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.