What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
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[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore