*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
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why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.