[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Straight people are cancelled
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
beware of dog
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Classic German Shepherd 😂
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”