“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
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Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Always…
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.