Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I feel it
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.