[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
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People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.