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Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.