[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
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Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Cndnsd Mlk
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment