Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
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Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Not all heroes wear capes…
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination