I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
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Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.