What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*